What crosses your mind during a HG pregnancy
Many women suffering from HG are struggling mentally too. You are not alone if this is you.
Women suffering with HG often talk about how their mental health has took a dive when dealing with this awful condition. We see all over social media, our friends and family about how amazing and beautiful pregnancy is. True, it’s a beautiful miracle but pregnancy isn’t the experience some women expect it to be. This brings a lot of guilt and shame during the pregnancy that the woman believes she should feel ‘grateful’ for the pregnancy, especially women who have had fertility issues. Feeling guilt and shame shows us that we are living other peoples expectations and beliefs about ourselves, so it’s important to remember that they are not going through this awful time, you are and however you’re feeling is that right feeling for you right now. There is no shame in feeling whatever you are feeling; all feelings are completely valid. It’s a tough time.
HG brings so much pain and suffering to a pregnancy. Being isolated and alone with your thoughts when you’re feeling so rough is bound to have an effect on your mental health. You know that you can stop this awful illness, but that would involve termination. You don’t feel pregnant, you feel ill. This tiny baby is making you feel this way. Cue the thoughts about guilt (again) for even thinking this.
15-20% of wanted pregnancies end because of termination (PSS). If this is you, I’m sending so much love. Guilt is a very frequent emotion within a HG pregnancy, whether you carry on with the pregnancy or not. For those who continue with their pregnancy, Suicidal thoughts and self harm aren’t uncommon. The days are dark and long and you can’t see the end result, no matter how many times someone says it will all be worth it. You know this, It’s just hard to see right now. You are so ill, sick of the vomiting, the nausea, the taste in your mouth, wetting yourself with every vomiting episode, fear to leave the house, constipation from medication, being in and out of hospital; you really just want it all to end. But it doesn’t. So these thoughts come into your head. It’s important to remember that this is normal for a lot of women suffering with HG. You’re not alone in thinking this.
Let’s talk pregnancy envy. Yes it’s a thing. As I said before, we have this expectation of how our pregnancy will be. We are told we will bloom, we glow, pregnancy suits us. For some women that is true. For the women suffering with HG that’s far from their reality. Some women can vomit up to 50 times a day. Some women don’t look forward to their scans, painting the nursery, or buying baby clothes. They usually have to give up work, lie in bed or the sofa meanwhile running to the toilet to be sick. HG can last all pregnancy, even with medication. There are so many good pregnancy groups on social media that women join but then they are faced with women having a good pregnancy. It’s easy to compare your pregnancy to others, especially ones who are enjoying theirs, and you’re not. If your friend or family member is pregnant at the same time and they’re having a happy, glowing pregnancy, It’s easy to compare your journey to them and wonder why you’re suffering so much and they’re not. Remember, allow these feelings. You’re allowed to feel them.
This brings us on to something else I want to talk about. Gender disappointment. I see so many mixed comments on social media when a woman is brave enough to come out and say she has experienced gender disappointment about how she should feel grateful she has a healthy baby growing inside them but when you feel your body has let you down at the most natural thing a woman can go through, finding out your baby isn’t the gender you also envisioned doesn’t help either. With anything we feel, I feel we should allow whatever it is we feel. It’s a valid emotion. As women suffering with HG go along their pregnancy, there can be other complications or health issues. It generally is a feeling of ‘my body has failed’. Alongside the pregnancy envy, resentment can occur. Resentment towards your body, the medical staff for not understanding your condition and needs, your partner and family for not understating how you feel. So many times you have been told that what you’re feeling is ‘normal’ and if you just try ginger it will all be ok. It may help to realise that although people mean well and they care, they’re not going through this and in my experience if you haven’t experienced HG, no amount of describing how it is will help someone understand. They can be supportive, yes, but they don’t understand. And that’s ok. If you’re feeling resentment, try and see who it is directed at. If it’s yourself and your own body, how would it feel to give yourself some self compassion?
Counselling can’t cure your HG but what it can do is offer you a safe space to explore your feelings with a professional and help you feel listened to and validated.
If you identify with any of this and feel you’re holding some feelings that are not serving you and you want to talk in a safe, confidential place, please reach out to me at mindovermammacounselling@gmail.com
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